Coming Out

It all started with an email.

Of course, it had been going on before that. Annette and I had been reading Gabor Maté, particularly When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress.

On 29^th October 2021, an email dropped into my inbox: Psychedelics and Compassionate Inquiry with Dr Gabor Maté. [The original details are no longer available on the Internet, but this is the current programme.] It was an invitation to a three-month, online programme to experience and learn Compassionate Inquiry, with a 6-day psychedelic-assisted retreat in the Netherlands. I had an immediate “Yes!”

Strange response. My body is a drug-free zone. I don’t drink tea and coffee or other caffeinated beverages. I avoid sugar. I rarely drink alcohol. I feel happier and healthier without these drugs. I have smoked the occasional cigarette and once a spliff. By and large, I’m disinterested. I don’t want to take drugs, partly through a strong parental introject (both my parents had been smokers), partly through fear, but mostly through disliking the effects. I like unaltered states of consciousness – and non-ordinary states occasioned by prayer, meditation, and walking in the woods.

So, why the “Yes!”? I can’t tell you exactly. It was one of those moments when an opportunity is presented and the solar plexus responds with a mixture of excitement and terror. This is the moment.

Research

In recent years, despite the war on drugs, some of the finest Western academic institutions have received approval and funding to research psychedelics: Johns Hopkins, Harvard, and our very own Imperial College, to name a few. The research consistently shows that one or two doses of psilocybin or LSD give a significant, lasting improvement to the majority of people who previously suffered from conditions such as treatment-resistant depression, anxiety, addictions, eating disorders, and death-anxiety of terminal patients. MDMA seems to be helpful with cases of PTSD. There is a suggestion that psychedelics can be helpful for those with dementia, though this needs a lot more study. Psychedelics appear to have healing potential in a wide variety of conditions.

Psychedelics modulate the activity of the Default Mode Network so, for example,

… our sense of self — that heightened sense of “me consciousness” — temporarily dissipates and we stop worrying so much or engaging in self-focused negative thought patterns. The brain states observed in these studies have similarities to deep meditative states, where activity in the established DMN pathways decreases and increased activity is observed in pathways that previously did not communicate. By disrupting activity in established pathways of the DMN, psilocybin can help change negative thought loops by creating new pathways that encourage positive thoughts. This can result in increased psychological flexibility and openness to new ways of thinking and being.

Researchers have also noticed, with surprise, that people emerge from these studies saying they have had religious, spiritual, mystical, or numinous experiences: deep connection with nature and people; loss of ego; attunement to the Divine. To what extent these experiences contribute to improved mental health remains an open question but there seems to be an obvious corollary.

Christian theologians are now starting to comment on this and address questions of mystical theology, ethics, and what the response of the church should be. Here are a couple of academic papers that I have read recently by Prof Ron Cole-Turner: Psychedelic Mysticism and Christian Spirituality: From Science to Love & Psychedelic Mystical Experience: A New Agenda for Theology.

Why Psychedelics?

The word ‘psychedelic’ is a neologism meaning ‘mind-manifesting’ or ‘soul-manifesting’. Other names have been suggested, among them ‘entheogen’ meaning “to become inspired or to experience feelings of inspiration, often in a religious or ‘spiritual’ manner.” Or, one might say, to be filled with God.

So, when offered the opportunity to experience psychedelics in a spiritual retreat setting, it was a no-brainer. Every retreat, every time of prayer, is an experiment. This was another, albeit scary, occasion to experiment.

What happened to me?

14^th March 2022 found me in Amsterdam at the delightful shop, Kokopelli, buying psilocybin truffles and drinking herbal tea with a group of people I had only previously met on Zoom. Here was already a sense of openness, warmth, and excitement. We made our way to Land of Yemaya where we were to undergo the 6-day psychedelic-assisted retreat.

Two factors are important when embarking on such a retreat: set and setting.

The Set refers to one’s mindset: How are you feeling as you enter into this retreat? What are your intentions? What are your desires? This should sound familiar: “Magnanimity and generosity,” as Ignatius says [Exercises, 5]; the Preparatory Prayer [Exercises, 46]; “I will ask God our Lord for what I want and desire” [Exercises, 48]. A retreat will always evoke a frisson of fear. We are, after all, opening ourselves to God. But we also trust.

The Setting refers to the container of the place and the people who facilitate the retreat. This will also be familiar: the Presupposition [Exercises, 22]; the Additional Directions [Exercises, 73ƒ]. We trust that whatever our differences in character and belief, each of us is coming in good faith. We curate a safe and sacramental space in which to meet God. In this retreat, our facilitators were outstanding.

We know this. It is our tradition. When we pray, worship, go for spiritual direction, or go on retreat, we curate a space and open ourselves to the Spirit. A psychedelic-assisted retreat is no different in these regards.

And so, after 24 hours of preparation, meditation, yoga, and faith sharing, I found myself in a sunlit meditation room, which looked out on the countryside of the Netherlands, in a circle with a dozen or so retreatants and five facilitators. We prepared and drank tea made from an infusion of the truffles and lay back on comfortable mattresses, some with eyemasks. Music played. At times the facilitators sang chants and songs.

I am not going to describe the experience in detail. Each person’s experience is different. And some things are impossible to put into words. I will say that it was beautiful, strange, moving, deep, challenging, and heart-opening. There were insights and memories, tears and laughter, music and silence, trees, clouds, and sunlight. While still being able to discriminate and discern, I was relieved of a lot of self-criticism, preoccupation, and worry about what people thought of me. At times we sang together. I felt the presence of God. I have rarely felt so fully in the present moment with such clarity and focus. I feel profoundly grateful for this experience. It lasted for about 7 hours and left me in a still, deeply satisfied, grateful state. It brought me to the end of the Exercises [234]: “Give me the grace to love You, for that is enough for me.”

There followed a day of integration, a second ‘trip’, and a second day of integration. It was intense and tiring and destabilising and dismantling. And, by God, am I grateful!

Returning home is like reentry from any retreat. Coming back to trains and planes and automobiles is jarring. People do not understand and it is mostly sensible to keep one’s counsel and let everything settle.

Where has it taken me? What have I learnt?

So, am I a different person? Have I gone mad? Am I a heretic? I believe the answer to these questions is No, but perhaps only others can comment.

A grounded, daily spiritual practice of prayer, meditation, and reading is helpful in two regards. Firstly, for me, it is an essential preparation for such a retreat. Psychedelics offer an opening of our inner and outer senses to what we have known all along but have forgotten or kept out of consciousness. Spiritual practice prepares us for this opening, for life’s joys and vicissitudes, and to meet God. It prepares us to surrender to God on our deathbed – the ultimate non-ordinary state of consciousness.

Secondly, it is crucial for the integration of the experience. Integration is work. It is the daily practice of remembering and embodying. It is what Ignatius calls ‘repetition’ and the ‘prayer of the senses’ [Exercises, 118–126]. Insights are not life-changing until they are integrated. The vision of God must be practised every waking day.

Psychedelics have led me to the Christian mystical tradition. What do I mean by this? Well, read the last post. I mean, an

encounter between God and the human, … everything that leads up to and prepares for this encounter, as well as all that flows from or is supposed to flow from it for the life of the individual in the belief community (Bernard McGinn)

So, tradition, study, the scriptures, a grounded daily, practice of prayer and meditation, the encounter with God, and engagement with community and the world. Psychedelics have led me back to Ignatius, The Cloud of Unknowing, William Johnston SJ, and church attendance.

They have also taken me to the healing of relationships, especially with my dead parents.

I have found that people who experience psychedelics and do the integration are open and loving.

I too feel incrementally less defended, and more open and loving.

An apologetic for psychedelics

So, how do I justify the use of drugs (a.k.a. plant medicines) that in many countries are taboo, demonised, and illegal? Here are today’s thoughts about this.

We do many things to change our state of consciousness:

• prayer and meditation
• worship and singing
• walking, swimming, exercise
• being in nature, among fields and forests, rivers, oceans, and sunshine and rain
• making love
• listening to music
• an afternoon nap
• watching TV and other drugs: coffee, sugar, alcohol

Psychedelics aren’t essentially different in this regard. What makes them special is two elements:

1. the strong intensity of sensation and experience
2. a revelation of what was there all along though we may not have been aware of it

A psychedelic is a non-specific amplifier of consciousness (according to Stan Grof). They open our senses and awareness, inner & outer. It is an expansion.

Unlike many other substances (physical and mental) we consume, they are not addictive. Although I have taken psychedelics since, my practice is occasional and I have no desire to repeat the experience often. “Humankind cannot bear very much reality.”

And then there is discernment. For me, the question is not one of right and wrong. The fundamental question is where do these experiences take me? Do I respond with consolation or desolation: an increase or decrease of faith, hope, and love? There is no doubt about my answer.

Why now?

So, why am I coming out now?

I am a member of a Christian Psychedelic Society called Ligare, “a collaborative community of clergy, religious educators, scholars, spiritual guides, philanthropists, and psychedelic researchers dedicated to making direct experience of the sacred available to all who desire it through the responsible legal use of psychedelic medicine and within the context of the Christian contemplative tradition.”

The proximate reason is that a few of us, including Hunt Priest, the Executive Director and Founder of Ligare, have been invited to be present at Greenbelt 2024. We have a stall in the Greenbelt Takeaway and there will be talks in the Pagoda and the Hope & Anchor on Friday afternoon, 23^rd August.

A second reason is that revisiting and writing about these experiences is part of my integration and a response to gratitude.

The last reason is that I feel a lack of congruence. I have been on a journey over the last two-and-a-half years that has brought me closer to God. This is important to me, I don’t want to hide it, and I want to be free to speak and write.

Separately from Ligare, a few of us are planning to run some legal psychedelic retreats in an explicitly Christian set and setting. We are calling ourselves Christic Psychedelic Retreats. You can find us at www.christic.co.uk.

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I would love to hear your thoughts on this, for preference in the comment section below, or privately if you prefer using the Contact page.