Finding depth

thrift

I was lost – tired, overwhelmed, and angry. A wise woman once said to me that underneath anger is hurt or fear. I felt hurt. And frightened.

I s(k)ulk through the night.

In the early morning I leave resentment on the other side of the door. I find a way back to myself. I become my breath, become this body, become, by and by, the sensation of being alive.

This is not about inside vs. outside – the ā€˜inner’ journey as opposed to the ā€˜outer’.
It is the present moment – which I undergo in only snatches.
It is being alive, ā€œbreath by breath, heartbeat by heartbeat,ā€ as James Finley says.
It is joy relishing being unexpectedly alive.
It is knowing this now, not waiting for it, not seeking it.
It is realising that I have never been anything other than rapt.

People say they want depth. What is meant by ā€˜depth’?
It is a word pointing at an experience that has nothing to do with what may be fathomed.
ā€˜Depth’ is life pared back to its essence.
It is the no-feat-of-mine, ordinary (extraordinary!) awareness of life happening as me,
  God happening as me,
always present,
always given before and beyond any act of mine.

ā€˜Me’ is a fraction of God-as-life happening as everything.

Where does all the time go?

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