Are we there yet?

Prayer space

Every day I go to my chair and I sit in the early morning light or dark. I set down my glass of water. I look into Your face. I’m pretty consistent about this. I get anxious if it is put off or I miss the appointment.

Every day I struggle.
I come with feelings of failure and inadequacy and waste.
I come wanting to be fixed.
I come to be sorted out.
I come wanting to know.
I come longing to be lifted up into a realm of light and eternity.
I come knowing there is so little time.

Every day,
if I give You the chance
amidst the barrage of longing and complaint,
You tell me to put all this to one side.
I can almost see You sweep the table
____________________________ bare
with Your arm.
Every day You tell me,
“I just want to be here with you.”

Every day I struggle not say,
“But what about this?
and what about that?”
Every day I struggle to accept that
what I am is what You want.
It is not that I am enough,
“just as I am,”
but that any idea of being enough is a foolish mistake.
What could ‘enough’ possibly mean to You?

Every day I struggle to shut the fuck up and just let You be with me.
“Take a breath,” You say.
I want to know where this is going.
“This is it,” You say,
“We are here.”
I don’t get it. I never do.
I say, “Are we there yet?”
“Yes,” You say, “Yes.
We are here.”

I take a breath.
I feel it for a spell. Then,

“Yes, but…”

The timer goes. The hour is up.

It is never enough.

7 thoughts on “Are we there yet?

  1. Oh Julian, this is so you, so me, so every recalcitrant child of the divine! You have a great gift for ‘hitting the mail on the head’ – thank you!

  2. Yes this just what it’s like for me too. Also on some days a sense as with my parents of having to have a problem in order to justify God’s time/attention.

    1. Ah, yes. That is interesting. I think this sense also infects much spiritual direction, too. The person coming feels they have to have something to bring to talk about. The spiritual director feels lost if there isn’t an ‘issue’ to work with. Thanks for this thought, Joanna.

      1. Yes instead of waiting for what is really going on to emerge. This, albeit for good intentions, ‘forcing’ of an issue then becomes part of the violence continuum instead of allowing ourselves to allow… peace.

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